... And She's Buying A Stairway To Heaven... ~Led Zepplin

That's what I feel like today. Have you ever had one of those days where everything seems to be spiriling downhill and you don't know how to fix it or stop it? It has definitely been one of those days for me. Now yes, I do normally try to look on the bright side of things, but really, I am not quite sure there is one. Don't get me wrong there is always an up to a bad day, I just can't seem to find it today. Which is unnerving. Since when can I not turn my day from a bad one to a good one?

It has been a very long time, in fact so long, that it was back in high school really. Then again, I wasn't in therapy -- wasn't on medication -- wasn't getting help. So why is it I feel so lost today? Why do I feel like everything about my life is a downward spiral. It started out pretty good. I got to see my friend Hannah, we hung out for a little bit. I went to work -- which was the turning point to my mood. Bah -- that place has negative energy everywhere.

The problem's might have started when I talked to my manager about someone being my new boss -- very lame. And I, along with others, voiced our concern about her coming into this position. We went to the right person but she didn't seem to care. Said we need a new manager and this was it. That resulted in us tracking down an assistant manager, and still nothing happened. When we took our concern to the store manager he told us, and i quote -- "Seems to me like the problem here is not here but you guys. What about her is so annoying to you? Are you sure it is because you think she has horrible work ethic? Because we as the managers don't see it. I think your real issue is that she is younger than you."

Don't get us wrong we are not happy that she is 3 years younger than me, which makes her considerably younger than the rest of the people as well. But that is not our problem. Our problem is that she is a liar, and don't actually work. Talks about stealing all the time, and how she has a drinking problem -- and a drug problem. What the hell kind of manager is that? And it isn't like the managers have not heard her talking like this. They  have and said nothing to her. Yet, someone who is absent four days instead of three days in an eight month period of time gets in trouble. It makes no sense. So now we are all in a rut, we don't know who to go to. Nor what we should do, some think we should suck it up. Others think we should quit. But neither choice is a good one. I hate that it has come down to this -- quit or deal with someone that you shouldn't have to in the first place.

Did I also state that this girl lied to get herself back to this store? The rule is when you transfer you have to be there for 6 months before you can transfer again -- except in certain situations like a death, an ailing family member, things of that nature. Well this girl told our store manager her father had a heart attack. Now that is not a lie -- but it happened in the beginning of December, not a week ago -- like she has stated. And some my be wondering, "well how do you know that?" Simple answer I am good friend with her older sister. We went to school together and hang out at least once a week. That's how I know. And so when I heard about her father I called to ask if she needed anything and was alright (since she is 7 months pregnant). She said she didn't know what I was talking about -- that he had one early December and not a week ago.

Now who I am going to believe, This girl who I have only known for the 2.5 years I have worked at Wal-Mart or her sister who I have known since 7th grade. To me that's a no brainer. So that automatically put me in a bad mood. Not to mention that I saw a kid today I use to have a major crush on, he kept calling me pretty today-- thats also made me nervous... and I couldn't tell you why. Things are just not going my way right now. And I am trying to find a way to make it positive -- and it's not working. Someone help me see the positive, please I desperately want to!

Alright I gotta get going, need to put gas in the car, and then go get my mom. I hope everyone is having a good day, and I am praying mine gets better. Write later. =)

I thought when I started this blog it would be just for fun. Something to do... to keep me writing -- since I seem to have hit writer's block, when it comes to my short stories. Why not start out with something interesting, a new song for a new entry. But it seems that when talking about the subject I am about to, does not require a song title. Nor is it a subject many wish to hear, or read. And for that I don't expect any comments, nor do I want them if they are only in pity.

Which means I should probably go into this serious and tough subject. I was recently hanging out with my friend. And we were talking about our childhood and what things made us into the people we are today. She had alot to say from being teased when younger, to being very popular later on in school. But she said that she has alot of commitment issues and that comes from her parents divorce. Which is very reasonable. I know many people with that problem. But then she asked me a hard questions. One I never expected to be asked.

"Why is it you want a relationship, but you are terrified of men?" Now, that may sound bad. But the fact of the matter is, I truly am scared to get close to men -- I can be friends with them. Yet, anything more than that terrifies me. I need to completely trust a guy for them to even hug me. Which is saying alot, because by nature I am a very sexually oriented person -- without trying to be. You can say something and not mean it dirty, I will be aware of it, yet that doesn't stop my mind from having that one dirty fleeting thought.

It has always been that way with me. Even when I was younger, when asking my mom at the prime age of twelve, she explained it was because I never really and truly acted my age. At age three, I was acting -- talking -- reading, as if I was eight. Very mature for my age, and that has yet to change in my life. It just gets progressively worse. I know have this feeling that being twenty-one -- and acting thirty-one. But truthfully I digress.

Terrified of men, was not something I always was. During my childhood I was quite trusting of every one, sometimes a little to much people might say. But if you can't trust your family, then who can you trust? Well, learning at the lovely age of eight -- family is not what you always think they are. You want to think they are. Want to think they are good, would never hurt you. But they do, sometimes you can forgive other times -- it's just to hard to even forget enough to act like you forgive.

At the age of eight I was molested by my cousin. But it didn't stop there, it seemed like it happened to be a train. I was molested by him for two years, before my brother took over his 'job'. Two men in my life that I should have felt comfortable being around. Two family members I thought would never hurt me, but they ended up killing me a little inside. That may even by why I have matured even faster than before.

It isn't easy, being someone who had been molested. At the time I didn't know what to think. I wasn't sure if it was something I should tell, or just keep to myself. But since my brother made it his routine to beat me up (including slamming my head into a mail box), I felt it best to keep it inside to myself. Hide it, hide away from everything. I can't do that anymore. It is now effecting my life. Consuming it, taking over completely.

I decided last year that I would finally tell someone. Let them know what was going on. It helped being in therapy, to talk about it. It was killing me that I would grimace when my boyfriends would hug me, even if I trusted them -- it was never fully. That is no way to have a relationship. Sure, it wasn't there fault, they knew I had issues when they started to date me. But bottom line it was not fair to them.  They didn't do anything to me, but like me for who I was. The terror would take over, tell me something would happen, they wouldn't listen when I said no. And I truly wished it would never come down to that. I don't think my heart or mind could hadle having someone else I was with, take my 'no' as a 'yes'.

After much deliberation with my therapist, she felt I needed to inform my parents. Of course they had a right to know. Since I couldn't stand my father being around me (mind you for other reasons -- like hating women -- then my distrust for men.) I finally told them. Informed my mom and then my dad about what happened. And all I got was more disappointment. More heartache, then was worth. Considering I suffered so much before. I can still remember what my dad said to me. Those two simple words that made it worse for me then I ever thought possible. "What is next you will tell them I raped you?" and "Who should I believe my daughter who 99% of the time tells me the truth or my son?"

Honestly, who would say that to someone telling them a dark secret. Something they never wished to tell anyone before, but finally had the courage too? My father, of course, but that really shouldn't have surprised me. You can probably guess which way my father ended up following. Which just causes me to distrust more than before. First my cousin, then my brother and now my father. I never thought things could get worse, but they did. Like they normally do, when in situations like this.

My 'no' was considered a 'yes'. My ex was a guy who I finally felt I could trust. Told him everthing that had happened in my life. He in turn told me not to worry about it, he understood and would never push me or force me into anything. Oh, how wrong it was for me to trust. Yep, you guessed right if in your mind you are thinking, --she was raped that is what she is going to say next. But in my mind, it would be ok -- he loved me right. This is what love is about. It isn't mind you. And never think it is.

But keep in mind I don't trust guys. So in my mind even if I went to the police about it, they would do nothing. After all with everything that has happened what makes me think that the police -MEN are going to take me seriously. And where I live it is very rare that you see a police women anywhere. In the end I just shook it off, and stayed with him. Thinking it was just a lapse in judgement. It wasn't, which I should have known. Six months we had been together -- and three other girls on the side later-- he was finished with being with me and moved onto someone else.

Good riddens I must say. I only regret never say anything before, no matter how much men terrify me -- it is the police man's job to protect everyone.

Of course, after explaining all this to her -- she had another tough question for me. "After all this happens to you, how the hell can you always be so positive and happy?" I just looked at her, and stated three words -- Prozac and Live Life. I know what you are thinking -- Prozac, really?

Yes, prozac. My life is just coming to a point where I am happy fully. And I truthfully do have to say Prozac helps alot. I hate taking meds, but I find when I don't for a long period of time -- the thoughts come back, the memories, the distrust. I hate that feeling. I tried everything before finally realizing that until I can fully confront who has hurt me in the past, I need that added assurance.

I am naturally a happy person. Outgoing, not normally too shy -- unless you're a man. It takes alot to get me to trust a guy. And I hate that. It should never have gotten to that point. Especially, since in my heart I know not all guys are bad, not all guys are untrustworthy. It is just hard to get my head to think that way. I am working on it, an there are a couple guys I can talk to, and trust without being afraid. And hopefully one day I can shake the feelings I get now.

I am a happy person on the inside, trapped in a sad mind. With a little help from the prozac (on the lowest dose possible) and alot of help from my friends. I remember the carefree person I use to be, and the person I want to be now. And slowly, but surely I am finally coming back to that person. Happy girl, outgoing, loving, and trusting. And soon enough I know I will be able to trust guys again. Even with all that has happened to me, because like I said before -- in my heart I know not all guys are bad; now I just need to convince my mind the same thing.

This was hard for me to type up, and really serious from what I normally write. But I felt it interesting that she brought these two questions up to me tonight. Asking me such things I never truly wanted too, or thought of before. I like to hide what happened in the past. But if I keep doing that I will never fully be myself again, just a hollow shell -- who can act very well.

I don't want to offend anyone. And I am sorry if I have. I just wanted to tell my story, wanted to be honest with my life -- for once. I am happy -- but I am also hurting alot inside. Like most people we all have something that has happened to us, and we need to work through it -- or things will never get better. That I am doing, and I know it will get better, mainly because positive thinking is better than negative. Just like it takes more muscles to frown then smile.

That's my story. And I am sorry if I offended anyone. But I am getting better, and I know sometime soon I will be myself completely again.

... And I Guess That's Why They Call It the Blues...  ~Elton John.

With many discussion I have had with people, we have come to the conclusion that I have no life. Not really something I mind being told. It isn't something that bothers me, normally. Yet, when they told me this again last night (for about the millionth time) it did bother me. I couldn't truly understand why they had brought it up so many times.

Honestly, even now there doesn't come a reason to mind why they would tell me so. I work -- part time. Bunches of people come through my lines all day as I ring them up and help they get out of the store as soon as possible -- after all I am a cashier. Or dealing with their problems on the service desk. Not that it is the only thing I do granted.

I am also a very amazing babysitter. It is something I am quite good at, and the children love me. Having been certified for so long (going on 10 years now). There are children I have been watching since they were babies, and I would never ever give up seeing them grow. Children are precious, and I think thats why I babysit as much as I do.

Never charging to much for my services, because truly not every one can afford a good babysitter at the price some of them charge. Just seeing them grow, being able to play board games, helping them with their chores or homework. even just sitting there watching television or a movie -- it's an amazing feeling.

So between, babysitting and my part-time job. Along with being part-time in school. I really don't consider myself not having a life. But sometimes when I am truly thinking about it -- I can see I don't have an interesting one. But who needs and interesting one, when you like the one you have?

Granted, not everything in my life is perfect. There are things that need to change. Things I wish I could change, though knowing I can't. But honestly I can't really complain about having or not having a life -- in the respects that they are talking about.

When questioning them about their reasoning they just kind of looked at each other and took sips of their drinks. Then it clicked in my head. All of these friends who were telling me I need a life -- None were single anymore. And then that is when I finally got it. They thought that I needed to have  boyfriend. So I did question them on it. Sure as fire, that was one of their major reasons...

1. And I quote -- "Ashleigh we just want you to be happy. And We know there is a guy out there for you. A good one, but you need to put yourself out there... need to date. Find him. Because once you do, you will be happy."

2. "You babysit to much. You always babysit and never do anything for yourself. Its always the children this and the children that."

3. "Why do you always say yes to babysit? Don't you realize it cuts into social time? Not good. Not good at all."

Those are just three of the things they had commented on. Is it really so bad for me to be single? I mean sure I would love to have someone in my life, who would love me for me. But it is not something I would die trying to find. It will happen when it happens. I don't have a lot of free time to go out on dates, not only that but really I am more of a friend then a please date me girl.

Which does happen. I have been on plenty of dates, and it all results in... I think we would be better friends than romatically together. That happens when you have the spazzy-girl-next-door personality. Really I am okay with that. You should always be okay with yourself. Because if you are not, then who can be?

As for the children. I love children. I am going to have whole bunch myself. And really, I have been one of the only constant and some of these children's lives, and I am not about to change that because my friends feel like I should be dating more. I can not let these children down. No matter how much my friends don't think I have a life.

Honestly, I don't want the life they think I should have. I would rather be myself  and be happy with that. Then be who they want me to be, and not be happy with me. And sure there are things I could do to try and have a life. I just don't think it would make me happy....

Who knows maybe, I am wrong. But to me I know I am right -- at least for me. So I am going to stop writing (since I kept getting distracted enough to finish this... three hours later). Hope everyone has an awesome night/day. =)